The Sanskrit word for lovingkindness is maitri (pronounced “my tree”) which also means friendliness or goodwill. Different from love that is shaped by desire or attachment, the basis of lovingkindness is caring for others without seeking any benefit for yourself. As Dr. John Douillard is fond of saying, “I love you but it’s no concern of yours.”

Remember the Four Boundless States we began to discuss in the last post: Equanimity, Lovingkindness, Compassion and Joy. Lovingkindness builds on Equanimity as it challenges us to extend goodwill to ALL, not just those we know or like. In fact, begin to see that all beings want to be happy and free, just like us. When we share these positive qualities with others we are also cultivating them in ourselves. That’s a win-win!

For this reason, practicing lovingkindness is a cornerstone of meditation practice. And it’s so very simple to practice.

Begin by making a list of several states you would like for yourself, such as
I want to be safe
I want to be well
I want to be peaceful
I want to be happy

From the list choose 3-6 statements you would like to repeat silently for yourself: May I be safe. May I be well. May I be peaceful. May I be happy. Repeat them one after the other or repeat one several times before moving onto the next. As you breathe slowly and deeply, allow the truth of these statements to sink deep into your mind and heart.

Lovingkindness can now be extended to others. Choose a person or other being (such as a beloved companion animal) to whom you would like to extend friendship and goodwill. Envisioning this one, offer the same positive statements to them.

Next, send lovingkindness to someone for whom you have neutral feelings, meaning they are not especially beloved or despised, just someone who you have not formed an opinion about, such as a clerk in a store.

Finally, send lovingkindness to someone with whom you have difficulty, perhaps someone who has a viewpoint different from yours. Breathing slowly and deeply, offer the positive statements to them, recognizing that this may be challenging.

A really fun way to practice lovingkindness is to share it whenever and wherever you go. Silently send a few statements of goodwill to other drivers, to colleagues at work, to family members at home, even government leaders. Do you know folks who are sick or dealing with difficulty? Send them lovingkindness. Are you concerned about a situation that’s ongoing or coming up soon? Send lovingkindness to everyone involved.

“To love is, first of all, to accept ourselves as we actually are. That is why in this love meditation, ‘Know thyself’ is the first practice of love.” –Thich Nhat Hanh

Equanimity is balance and the ability to be at peace with things as they are. Neither one of those qualities is easy to maintain as the busy-ness of life easily pushes us out of balance and it’s hard to be at peace with a world that seems anything but peaceful. So why is it that both Buddhism and the Yoga tradition point us in that direction?

Because we have the key to abiding inner peace; when we are steady in our mind we have balance no matter how topsy turvy is the world around us.

In Buddhism, equanimity if one of the Four Boundless States. The four are Equanimity, Lovingkindness, Compassion and Joy. In the Yoga tradition they are echoed in chapter 1 verse 33 of the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali:

“By cultivating attitudes of friendliness toward the happy, compassion for the unhappy, delight in the virtuous and disregard toward the wicked the mind-stuff retains its undisturbed calmness.” -translated by Swami Satchidananda

When you read “disregard toward the wicked” you get the idea of why and how equanimity can restore our mental health and make it possible for us to live more harmoniously in community. That phrase “the wicked” is an interesting one because it is so very subjective. Let’s face it, what you think is “wicked” is quite different from what your neighbor thinks is “wicked.” And this disagreement can become the basis of a feud. We see this playing out all over the place, don’t we?!

When we practice equanimity, we take a balanced approach to the people and situations we encounter, recognizing that each one shows up and plays out according to the past events which have shaped it. In this context, what makes something “wicked” for us is often our own perception of it and our strong sense that we do not want it to be part of our world.

Here is a simple practice of equanimity shared in a recent article by Pascal Auclair in Tricycle magazine. You might like to have a journal nearby so you can write reflections about the experience.

Consider a situation or relationship where you are experiencing difficulty, what you might consider the “wicked” you want to bring more balance to. Choose just one thing for this practice. Set your intention: “I’m really interested in keeping balance of mind. I’m really interested in seeing if it’s possible to keep the mind stable and balanced and not fall into worry or fear.”

Notice how your body feels when you set this intention. Ask yourself: Can I be OK with whatever shows up in this practice? (that’s another definition of equanimity!)

What is happening in this situation or relationship? See if you can describe it without making judgments or placing blame, and without trying to solve the problem. (This part can be tricky, so take your time.)

Say silently or out loud: “This is the difficulty I am (or you are) experiencing. This is how it is right now.” Sit with this realization for a while. Do any insights arise? Write about them in your journal.

Finally, send a blessing to yourself or others: “May I (or you) find within myself or around me the resources needed to overcome this or accept this.”

Sit with this blessing a while longer. What do you feel in your body? What thoughts arise in your mind? Stay present and write your reflections in your journal.

Return to this practice again each day to strengthen the powerful quality of equanimity. It will transform your relationships with others and cultivate more peace on your life journey.

“Equanimity requires a strong, courageous intention to stay in balanced contact with what we face.” -Pascal Auclair